Calamity Ann Chiles


I make no bones about it.  Never have and never will.  I am a grade A, gold medal winning klutz.  From my earliest days to the present —calamity follows me around like a plague.  It is just part of my charming persona.

Take today for example.  I walked outside to put a couple of baby carrots  (how DO they grow them that small anyway?) out for the baby bunny who is living in the bushes.  Enter the landscaping solar light.  Pinky toe meet light.  Ouch.  Now mind you these lights are not very large but large enough to cause massive bruising and perhaps a broken toe .  I know of what I speak.  I have broken said toe twice before—the last time on a stack of paper on the floor that the movers had put there when they were packing us up for our move from North Carolina to Iowa.  No joke. Who breaks their toe on paper??? Me.  To the point where I honestly could not walk and had to wear a boot all the while we were moving. Sigh.

Later today I was dumping the coffee grounds out of the little cup in the coffee maker.  I left the little door open to let the filter air dry.  

Wrong strategy as my elbow connected with the coffee filter cup thingy.  There was blood involved.  It was not pretty.

Last week I totally fell in Ada when we were coming out of a restaurant.  Boom, down I went.  No reason other than my niece was blathering on and on about something as 13 years sometimes do so I will blame her.  I laughed it off but by the time we got back to their house my knee had produced rivers of blood down my leg.  For once I did not faint.  Now my knee, a week later, has a lovely green and yellow hue to it.

One time I even cut myself on a gum wrapper.  For crying out loud–who does that??? You know that kind with the foil backing that you push the gum out the backside?  Yep—totally cut my finger to the point of gushing blood. Again, who does that?

I am thinking that perhaps if I ever reach famedom (I am hoping that Miranda’s efforts to get me Freshly Pressed will come to fruition) I should use some of my riches and notoriety to secure a bodyguard of sorts—not one to protect me from others—one to protect me from myself!!!  What do you think?

Are there any other folks out there with stories like these?? I would love to hear them.  Maybe we could start a club. Let me know—carefully.

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Comments

  1. Glad to know I am not alone. My back is still recovering from my spill back in July. I think I’ve broken every toe and finger during my lifetime. Take care of your recent injuries.

    • Your spill sounds much more serious than any of my ailments and your recovery time has certainly taken much longer than mine will! Mine are just silly and ridiculous!!!!

      • Any injury deserves love and attention. Maybe you are better at landing than me. Your toe looks quite painful and I wish you a speedy recovery. And it makes for a good reason to have a romantic dinner out or a cozy dinner for three.

        • Aren’t you sweet??? I try to keep most of these from him—if I can. He already has enough to worry about! He did step up and take care of me a couple weeks ago when I had some weird stomach thing…..

  2. I am your klutzy twin….
    I fall at work all the time (off my shoes, off my chair – even down the stairs)
    I walk into walls, trip over my feet, cut myself with anything…
    Break everything…
    I can go on & on…

    • I knew it!!! Something else we have in common!!! I forgot that I burn myself, too—-every time I use the oven almost—I suffer a burn. My friend got me some huge BBQ gloves that go all the way up my arms as a joke but I seriously need them. Klutzes Unite!

  3. I am raising my hand. Just a few weeks ago I tripped while walking across the patio and plunged on my side onto the back steps. I still don’t know what caused that, but am thankful I fell on my left side and not the right side with the artificial hip. Sometimes if I even so much as bump my finger against something, it bleeds.

    Enough about me. That toe looks pretty ugly. Does it still hurt?

    P.S. If you don’t try so hard to get FreshlyPressed, it will just happen, from one whose been there twice and didn’t realize until she started getting comments from many new blog readers.

    • It is so good to know that I am in such good company!!! Not that I wish illness or pain on anyone but it makes me smile that I am part of a larger club! Toe is still painful but a couple more days without shoes and I should be good to go.
      Freshly Pressed—I really am just kidding about all that! When it happens I will be elated but it makes for a good thread to blog about!

  4. Ok, so I was recently walking through the mall and my foot hit a spot of water and I went tumbling down – in slow motion and quite gracefully, I thought. But so many people came running to my aid, that I think I must have looked like a huge doof. I hopped up and assured my crowd of helpers that I was just fine, thank you very much. Then I hobbled off, trying not to cry. Walter’s favorite part of this story is that I still managed to finish my shopping – new pair of Jessica Simpson heels – then home to ice the knee that I landed hard on…..

    • Which is EXACTLY what I would have done!! Pretended even if bone fragments were sticking out that I was seriously fine! It is that embarrassment factor. But maybe next time I will play it up and moan and groan and maybe someone will come to my rescue and make a big deal over me??? Just a thought!!! 🙂 Thanks for the comment!! Glad we have even more in common!

  5. I refuse to buy gum in that kind of packaging, because, I too, have cut myself- more than once!

  6. I think there are just those graceful people who make everything look easy and never hurt themselves.. and then there are the rest of us! Give me a car door and my shin… you would think they want to get married or something!
    I always have a bruise somewhere on my body!

  7. Paper, Rock, and Coffee filter? A new game perhaps? I think not…There was a theme there baby carrots, baby bunny, and baby toe…So as Jackie Gleason, used to say, “Baby you’re the greatest” lol Foflmao..Fell on floor laughing…you know the rest.

  8. I’m a bit of a klutz myself and Middle is following in my foot steps. Hope all your boo-boos heal before new ones appear!!! My big thing is dropping glasses and mugs… we do not have a complete set of glasses anymore. Only odds. I don’t want to buy a new set out of fear of breaking them in short order.

  9. As you know, this is the story of my life. We are both serious contenders for the gold metal in accident-proneness. Is there such a word? I swear, I don’t blame you for not wanting to visit my now. Think what a dangerous combination we’d be! LOL
    Sending hugs and wishing you safety,
    Kathy

    • Haha—we are two of a kind, huh?? Maybe we would be a dangerous combination but it seems to me that your “accidents” are a little more severe than mine as of late!!!

  10. At least it keeps your life exciting because you never know what is going to happen.

  11. As it turns out, your blog entry today also relates to pirates:

    http://www.seattlepi.com/comics-and-games/fun/Bizarro/2012-07-16/

  12. I think you should invest in a foam suit. Head to toe (including toes). With a helmet and extra knee and elbow padding. If you find one, let me know..
    It took my ankle three months to heal when I last rolled it. (I can’t admit in print that I’m aging and it takes a bit longer to heal from things than it did a few years ago.) Fortunately for me, my son in law works for 3M and I have a never ending supply of bandaids and ace wraps.

  13. Miranda Gargasz says:

    Bubble wrap. You need a suit made of it. If you’re like me you’d find a way to hurt yourself with that,too. Be careful, Lady! You can’t do the FP happy dance with boo boo toes!

  14. Ouch. Careful how you go there, eh?
    (sorry, that was so awfully Canadian/British I’m surprised I didn’t have a freak typing accident.)
    Despite actually being quite athletic, I do have a few on my own…..let’s see:
    – broke my pinky finger — playing the flute. wait. what?
    – broke a toe — running UP a hill. UP, not down.
    – broke my ankle — on the very last step at the bottom of a lot of stairs. The last stupid step. ok, there may have been wobbly-pops involved in that one.
    – lost an eye contact — in a shot glass. that’s a tequilla slammer incident.
    And finally, don’t feel bad, because I have cut my hands and fingers on Tin foil on more than one occassion. there should be a warning label.

    • I am sooooo glad to hear that there are so many others out there like me!!! And your list is a pretty darn good one!!! Especially the tequila slammer one……I would love to hear more from you on that one but maybe in a private message??? 🙂

  15. When I first saw your title I thought, what has she done now? Little did I know. You don’t need a body guard. What you need is body armor. Be careful, please.

  16. I have a bit of that, too, though I only had a toe look like that when I was a kid. It was the middle toe, and still has a funny bump and slight kink in it. Most of the time I find abrasions, burns, etc…and wonder what I did. Unfortunately, there are some I remember quite well.

  17. Hey, us Browns are bleeders! I cut myself on a can lid in the dish sink, last week, washing it, for recycling. Talk about copious bleeding! By the time I had it staunched, the kitchen looked like an Alfred Hitchcock movie (Psycho)! Bleeding is good, it washes out the germs that can enter with a wound, but this was a little ridiculous. Red blood on white porcelain is a bit disconcerting…

    Ask PK about the chickens we, um, “sacrificed,” several years ago. She had a bathtub for us to put them in, outside her chicken coop, so they wouldn’t run around the yard after losing their heads. Well, that was another “experience! They did not stay in the bathtub, and bathed it in blood, culminating in a “Psycho” episode. I may have been permanently altered by the experience…

    • It was way too early in the morning to read this…..now I have images of headless chickens running around like crazy in the yard……thanks a lot, Mark. Way to go. I may not be able to even function today now thanks to your description of that event. And yes–I do remember you talking about it….

  18. By the way, you’d better steer away from splitting kindling. The three biggest scars on my left hand (there are more) all came from errant blows from an axe, or hatchet, while I was splitting wood for kindling…

    • I do not see splitting wood in my immediate future so I should be okay. Thanks for the advice. However burns from the oven are quite a different case….

      • Burns. Too many to enumerate; you are not alone. I’ve still got a burn scar on my belly, from a hot chainsaw muffler, which I plopped in my lap, after boarding a tractor. My “best” burn was from a motorcycle muffler. I’d parked in my driveway, the kickstand gave way, and I grabbed it to keep it from going over… I grabbed it by the muffler, unfortunately, and the resulting blister enveloped my entire hand. Pretty epic… I figure there was at least 1/2-cup of fluid in that blister, when I finally lanced it! You may be a klutz, but I think I may be an “uber-klutz!” You should wear your “klutz” status with pride, as I think it may be a family legacy…

    • Okay—I will embrace my klutz status and wear it proudly!!! It is part of my heritage!!! 🙂

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